September 21, 2014

Claire L. Evans of YACHT, night one of three in New York at Mercury Lounge

September 20, 2014

September 4, 2014

Mormon Crosses and White Lung

At Glasslands Gallery in Brooklyn, NY

September 3, 2014

September 3, 2014

My face in 2012, and 2014. The same, but different. 80 lbs. different. I am still “fat” by societal standards, but the people who loved me then love me now and beyond a brief period of enjoying being thinner, I derive no more satisfaction from being the weight I am now than the weight I was then. The confidence boost was nice, but it wares off because it is ultimately facile and superficial. My personal politics in regard to body size are pretty anti-fat shaming and accepting of all shapes and sizes, but when it comes to myself I still have an ingrained body shame. I’ve been confident, I’ve felt I looked good, but it wares off. The shame and acceptance that I am “less than” pervades and it’s hard to escape. Sure, it’s nice to fit into sizes I haven’t worn since junior high, but ultimately I am no one’s idea of “perfect.” I’m lucky in the sense that I have someone who loves me and accepts me no matter what I look like, and is always eager to tell me how great I look, but nothing can override a sense of sense of shame about one’s own body. I’ve wondered whether my continuing struggle with body image is because I didn’t work for the change. The weight loss came from a few things, years of being vegan, living paycheck to paycheck, often forgoing proper meals for whatever I could scrounge from bodegas to stretch my last few dollars, and walking a lot. I didn’t work for weight loss. It happened to me. So there’s no inherent pride of setting a goal and accomplishing it. My heavier weight also “just happened” to me, and there’s no guarantee that it will continue unless I do start working for it. I have, in fact, gained back about 20 lbs, after I lost an initial 100. I don’t exactly know why I’m choosing this moment to share all of this, but I think it is to remind myself that no matter what I look like I’m me. It’s a cliche, reductive statement, but it is also true. My body is a vessel that carries whatever is essentially “me.” I wouldn’t call it a soul (I’m too much of a physicalist for that), but whatever “essence” makes up me, is not relegated solely to my weight. I am large, I contain multitudes, beyond whatever you see when you look at me.

August 31, 2014
Liv Ullmann and Ingmar Bergman on the set of their film Persona (1966)

Liv Ullmann and Ingmar Bergman on the set of their film Persona (1966)

1:59am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZVb4Iy1PeL-NR
  
Filed under: film heroes pairs 
August 31, 2014
Red Desert (1964), dir. Michelangelo Antonioni

Red Desert (1964), dir. Michelangelo Antonioni

1:55am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZVb4Iy1PeK_Iq
  
Filed under: film heroes 
August 29, 2014
Joanna Gruesome 

At the South Street Seaport
August 29, 2014

Joanna Gruesome

At the South Street Seaport
August 29, 2014

August 29, 2014

August 29, 2014

August 29, 2014

Nepali-American Festival in Jackson Heights, Queens

July

August 28, 2014

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